03.04.26

i feel very icky. i was prescribed medication for anti-anxiety and stress, but i wish the dosage were higher because i feel like im in the middle of a circus ring, walking along a narrow rope where one misstep will send me plummeting into a pit of fire.

i recently acted like a giant asshole and really upset one of my friends who i deeply respect and like. i don’t know why i have this innate pressure inside me that always wants to be right, no matter whose feelings i hurt, but it's starting to fracture the things i care about and i may end up losing all of my friends because of it. we both apologized--though i feel like they didn’t need to--and i ended up leaving our shared discord server so i could take a small hiatus and maybe pay a little penance while i'm gone. they said things between us were okay but it doesn’t seem like enough. selfishly, i don't know how i can face everyone else if they tell them what happened between us.

even if i were technically right, it wasn’t worth how it made me feel after it happened and what's more, how i made them feel. i, personally, feel like such an jerk. i can’t even begin to understand why i do the things that i do, or why i think it’s necessary to say the things i do when in a disagreement. i don’t want to be like this. i want to be able to let stuff go. i want to be the kind of person who says “let’s agree to disagree” even when i feel entirely justified. i don't want to be the friend that everyone thinks is funny to "ragebait."

i feel like i eventually hurt everyone around me with my words. usually, i'm so quick to anger and it's easy for me to lash out at the low-hanging fruit (luckily, that didn't happen today, but it is a glaring personality fault). i see so much of my dad in me. he's just like that, too, and always quick to argue and always knows exactly how to make you feel miserable.

i'm fortunate that i'm about to start therapy very soon. i shopped around for a bit and just decided on one last weekend who seems very sweet, and we're going to start regular treatment once i get back from vacation. (surprise! i'm going global!) this incident is definitely going on my "List of Vices! (Definitive Edition)." i'm scarily hopeful that therapy and treatment is going to help transform this part of me that i hate into a bat, skulking in the shadows and nocturnal, with leathery wings that fold and take flight to disappear into the night. i'm aware that it will never go away fully; it's one of those traits that binds. But, if i can learn how to temper my anger and not let it rule me completely, well, that would just be okay.